Personal – How Anxiety Stopped My Day Cold Yesterday
How can something I was looking forward to, something I was excited about, turn into a flaming pile of failure? Anxiety. What is anxiety? Officially, "a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome." (Source)
My sister Joan gave me one of her kidneys on December 21, 2012. It saved my life. In fact, it allowed my life to get back to normal, which was amazing in so many ways. Receiving the gift of life is hard to describe. It is the gift. Of. LIFE.
Yesterday was what I call, "The Beans Annual Poke and Pee." And every test is easy for me, except one where I have to empty my bladder repeatedly during a timed test. Pressure, right? It is a pretty important test, and until last year, I always managed it (a struggle, but I got it done).
Last year they had to use a catheter on me and it was a pretty awful experience. I've had 'em before, and it is unpleasant, but not the worst thing. Last year, it was really unpleasant.
So this year, I had pretty big anxiety over the test. In fact, I'd made it into such a big deal, that everything down there just said, "Nope." I used the tools I gained thru therapy to alleviate the anxiety, but none of them worked. I was locked up tighter than a room of partiers the day after the Oktoberfest Cheese Curd Party.
I joke about it, but it was so defeating. So I canceled the rest of my appointments and went home. Yesterday I felt dumb, stupid, useless, and feeble. I was a complete failure at life. Today, I know that's not true...and a bump in the road doesn't my life make, but that's how it felt. It was incredibly true. The only tool that worked for me was a distraction, to keep myself from going over it over and over again.
Why am I sharing this with you? To let you know it's OK to have a bad day. To not succeed. It isn't the end of you, or your recovery. Give yourself some time, and know getting moving forward again is what will make all the difference. Sure it is hard, its also worth it.
Listen to James Rabe 6a to 10a on Y-105 FM